Stuck in the clouds

There is a spongy thick cloud full of words that lives just a couple of feet above my head, that blocks my ideas from getting out. It circles my body too, just in case an idea was to get sneaky and try to slip out sideways. It has this low grumbling voice that says nasty shit I can barely make out most of the time, but I know it is there. Just waiting to criticize.

You see, when an idea rises out of my brain-body-spirit, excited to be born, this cloud jumbles together a bunch of it’s words together (word like “it won’t work”, “no one cares”, “someone already did that”) and my sweet little joyful ideas get smacked back down into my brainspace to swirl around with their unexpressed siblings. Recycling. Never getting out. All of them piling on one another. It is paralyzing.

I was stuck.

The past couple of weeks have been shit. 

So, yesterday I threw myself a pity party and then I had a coaching session with a colleague (we barter coaching sometimes because it is fun and helpful) and I was telling her that I felt so stuck. And I won’t bore you with the details except to say that it was in that session that I was able to identify, explore, and name this block that was keeping me from executing some exciting and powerful ideas.

This is the power of metaphor. 

You see, I couldn’t  identify my stuckness before. I was too “in it”.  I knew (in my rational mind) that I was like a grape, dying on the vine. I had all the excuses. I felt my body’s exhaustion. I was “less than enthusiastic” as my dear friend likes to say. I was crabby and uninspired. 

And on top of all of that, I was pissed at myself for not “just doing” what I needed to do to execute. To take action. Just do the thing. 

I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that when you approach your roadblocks from a different perspective (other than your negative thoughts that keep you stuck) transformation occurs. When you can get to know and embrace (and even be grateful for) all the parts of you that make up your glorious whole self, you are better able to shift out of your stuck perspective. 

And that is all “the cloud” was for me. A perspective. One that has some positive attributes as well (you can email me for more details if you are curious how the cloud actually serves me). 

And when I could see it, taste it, hear it, embody this perspective. LIke, really get to know it.

I freed myself.. 

So I ask you. What is keeping you stuck? (Spoiler alert: it isn’ t your jerk boss, or your mother-in-law, or time bandits)...

And what is waiting for you on the other side of stuck?

xo

bk

If you are curious how to use the power of metaphor to work through your roadblocks, 

I have 2 spots for new clients starting in February. If you are ready to transform your stuck energy and get on with the cool shit you are meant to do, then reach out.

but...can you guarantee it?

The other morning I was talking with a sister-friend of mine who lives several states up and to the right of me. Towards the end of our conversation, she told me she had sent me a secret-surprise-care-package (maybe not a secret anymore). I was so excited as it has been quite some time since someone sent me a care package.

“Well,” she said… ”I don’t know when or if it will get there…” 

“What do you mean?”, I asked...and she quickly replayed her conversation with the USPS worker in the small town...it went something like this...

I started laughing hard. My friend started laughing hard...and I said “Whoa. Sounds like she is setting up some clear expectations...” and we laughed some more. 

But it got me thinking about life…I mean, is there ever really a guarantee? We put 7s and the 10s in front of our hopes to reassure...to hedge our bets...maybe even to put our best intention forward...but the truth is there are no guarantees. 

I started wondering, how would life be different if we accepted that there are no guarantees AND did the thing anyway. Apply for the dream job. Fall in love. Start your business. Take a risk and lead the way…

Guarantees are meaningful because they make us feel safe. Secure. Like there are things we can rely on. One hundred percent. They keep the existential crisis’ at bay…

What if we were more willing, eager even, to accept the risk we take when doing something (for self or other) to make life better and more fulfilling?

Would you have the courage to change your job? To write your book? To go back to school? To speak the truth? To align more fully with your values? To step into your power as a leader in your own life?

beth kelley is a leadership development coach for kickass women who want to show up as leaders in their own lives (personal and professional). Interested in knowing more about coaching? Click here to sign up for one complimentary coaching session.

when women are cool...the rescue mission edition

Years ago, a childhood friend of mine was going through a divorce. I had no idea. We regularly spoke on the phone and were always connected through space and time. She lives a few states to the left of me and it had been some time since we had seen each other face to face. I had a sense that things were not good. She seemed stressed, or flat, or low, or distracted, but life is challenging and I just thought it was one of those “blah” times... 

until one winter morning she called me before the sun was up and I heard her choking back the sobs. I waited, for what seemed like hours, for the words to form; first in her mouth, and then for that intense work of saying them aloud.. 

We talked for a while. And as I got off the phone, I considered next steps and I called her back to ask “do you need a rescue mission? because I’ll come”. This was never a term we used. I don’t even know why those were the words that came out or why she received them so openly without need for clarification. She simply paused, then replied “yes”. 

And that was it. I went to work and spoke to my boss and told him I needed a few days off to attend to a family emergency, checked in with my husband and bought a plane ticket. 

When I arrived we did what women who support the women they love do. We cried. We sat. I listened. She listened. We ate. She raged. I raged. We laughed. We hugged. We planned. She shared. I witnessed. We walked. 

And after a few days, when I could see she was going to be okay. I left.

And many years later, which turns out to be not that long ago. I called her in the middle of a workday. And as I choked back my sobs, she waited patiently for the words to form and for me to push them out. I told her I thought I might need a rescue mission. 

And she knew, not because we had ever discussed it. And not because our friendship is transactional and she felt like she owed me. But she knew, like I had, what intense level of vulnerability it took for me to press the big button and ask for support. 

And asking was hard. Even with the amount of trust and history and experience and love we had shared, I felt scared. I second guessed myself for weeks before, telling myself that I was fine and I was being weak, or overreacting...doing everything I could think of to minimize my need for support during a particularly difficult time in my life. 

But I did ask. And she did come. And we did the things that women who love each other do. We wrote poetry. We walked. We ate. We talked. She listened. I listened. She witnessed. I shared. We reminisced. We dreamed. We laughed until we cried. 

These memories have been revisiting me of late, I think because we are all feeling like we could use a major rescue mission right now. And you may not be able to drop everything with all that is going on, either to go or to be gotten to, but I want to encourage you...reach out to the women who support you. Share deeply. Laugh heartily. Dream big. See and be Seen. Uncertainty, and longing to connect, and vulnerability are not weaknesses. (If you don’t believe me just ask Brene). And certainly are not when you are in the company of other women who are cool.

when women are cool...at the coffee shop

My stepdad is 87 years old. He is delightful and kinda old school Italian. He observes a lot. He is also pretty introverted: unless you are talking about football. He likes to ask the big questions. And one of his favorites of all time, comes up whenever we are around more than 2 women (i.e. a restaurant, a holiday party, a swimming pool) he always (and I mean always) asks “what do women talk about? They talk and talk and talk for hours...about what?” 

I am hard pressed to answer because, well, women talk about everything…which isn’t the same as talking about nothing.

And let me clarify…by women I mean anyone who identifies as one for any reason and in any way. All are welcome here…

---

Yesterday I decided to take the day off*. And, after laying in my bed for too long looking at my stupid phone (I know better than to start my day like that) I packed up and headed out to my favorite coffee shop, where I know there is lots of outside space, shade, and breakfast burritos. 

On this morning, I observed two young women at the table next to me. Both dressed in short flowy sundresses to help tolerate this Colorado heat. Blue dress woman had a little baby in a stroller, resting sweetly. Sparkly black dress lady was sharing about her new promotion at work and how she was both excited and suffering from (what I call) imposter syndrome. 

On the one hand she knew she deserved it and on the other hand she was expressing, so genuinely, her fear of not being accepted by her colleagues and how the promotion was exacerbating her deep seated belief that she must constantly work to get to the next level in order to be enough. The deep sigh that she exhaled spoke volumes. It said, I am exhausted. When will I be enough? Will I ever rest? 

Blue dress woman nodded in agreement as she recalled when she got her first promotion and then was never able to reach the benchmarks again and felt like it was a set up. They speak freely. Honestly.

At the other table next to me, a small group of lovely women trickle in and settle at a big round table in order to find some shade. It is obvious, by the introductions and sense of closeness that they don’t all know each other, yet they were so warm and welcoming to the newcomers. From what I can gather they are quite a collection of journeywomen: the Skincare one, the Energy one, the Marketer, the Shop Owner, the Mom with a story to share, and the Chemist. 

They sit and collaborate, ask for feedback, listen, share, support, and generate ideas. They have a story. And a product. They want to help other women, and respect nature, and honor the elements. They use herbs and potions and maybe magic, I don’t know. 

The Mother speaks without shame about motherhood and depression and anxiety and loneliness. Suddenly other voices chime in, speaking the unspeakables. 

They talk. Like women do. When they circle up. 

This is when women are cool. This is the best of women. All women. Whatever part of woman-ness that you identify with. Women are cool when sitting in a circle. Creating. Caring. Supporting each other to realize a singular and collective vision.

Pulling down from the abstract and manifesting it into being. 

So yeah. Women talk. Maybe even a lot. About everything. And it’s powerful.

If you are yearning to belong to a circle, to be seen, and heard, and supported...then sign up for my mailing list, or reply to this email…’cause I am coming for you. Dates TBA soon.

xo

bk

*whatever that means these days

Strategies for Sustaining Your Well-Being: How Long Are We Supposed to Do This?

Week five-ish of social distancing (and sheltering at home) and the bloom is off the rose.

After the initial panic and confusion, it seems that people are settling in. Zoom classrooms are up and running. Teachers, parents, and students are slowly moving into a rhythm after spending countless hours working out technology kinks, lighting, microphones, curriculum design, and finding space in the house.

Those of you with children of your own at home have figured out a way to get them up and running while providing a virtual classroom to the students you are responsible for teaching—all while figuring out how to get groceries, do laundry, disinfect everything, care for elderly parents, pay bills, and get outside for a little exercise.

All of this, with no actual spring break. No rest. No rejuvenation. No space. No ease.

Week five, and maybe you feel a little more confident. And in the same nano-second of time that you feel like you are just arriving at “I got this,” there is another feeling snuggling right up to your new-found confidence. It feels something like dread. How am I going to do this until the end of the school year? Is this really sustainable?

The answer is no. Probably not in the current iteration. You must allow for flexibility, patience, self-compassion, and change in order to sustain in this new “normal” for as long as it takes.

How do you cultivate those qualities while still orienting to the ever-changing landscape? Here are some tips to the stave off the dread that you may be feeling right now.

Increase your awareness of your own mind games:

Your brain is a powerful tool that is always intending to work in your best interest (survival). However, in the absence of awareness of your own thoughts and reactions, the mind can go rogue, pointing you towards a fear-based response. (Don’t be mad at your brain, it just wants to keep you alive.) Where the brain goes, the body (physical and emotional sensations) follows (and vice versa). They are not distinct from one another, but deeply interconnected.

Increasing your awareness of your thoughts, feelings and body sensations can be cultivated by small, frequent check-ins. It looks something like this:

• Take 3 deep belly breaths

• Notice your thoughts

• Notice what sensations are present in your body

• Notice your current emotional state

The more you practice this (I suggest setting an alarm on your phone a few times a day), the more you are able to adjust or attend to any needs you have versus moving through the day in a constant, unconscious state of ________ (fill in the blank).

Mindset. Mindset. Mindset:

1. Mindset awareness is increased by frequent check-ins and daily meditation practice. It can be short, but it should be consistent.

2. Radical acceptance means that we must accept reality. No matter how hard it is to accept, this is happening. There is a lot outside of our control. Accepting what is, not how you wish it was, enables you to focus on where you can positively impact people and things about which you care deeply.

3. Shift your mindset towards innovation, possibility, and opportunity for growth.

4. Celebrate all victories and accomplishments.

5. Most importantly, you must be flexible. A flexible mindset that can be open to change, stay curious, and remain positive will be your greatest asset in times of uncertainty.

Reconnect to your purpose:

• Why did you choose to become an educator, parent, leader, or spouse?

• What do you value most?

• Identify the people in your life with whom you share these values and connect with them. You are in the trenches together and can support one another. You are not alone in this.

Expand your gaze:

In times of high anxiety our minds get singularly and internally focused. We lose perspective. Things get small, internal, limited. Gently move towards expanding your gaze and you’ll see how everything becomes more possible.

• Look up and away from your zoom screen, phone, television, or computer.

• Notice the world around you.

• Tune into your peripheral vision (both literally and metaphorically).

• Get outside. Look up at the sky. Gaze at the trees. Track the birds that fly about the yard.

• You are connected to the bigger world around you. Feel yourself being a part of it, not separate from it.

And as always, less is more. I know you are feeling stuck between the expectations of your job, your students, their parents, and your family, and your own internal critic has a lot to say about what you are not doing well right now. Breathe it all out. Find your center. Accept what is. Choose only what is necessary and possible. Be flexible. Simplify.

Covid-19 and The Art of Holding Steady in Turbulent Times

This is a new and strange time for many of us (although my dad reminds me he lived through the Polio epidemic). Most of us outside of the medical profession don’t have experience with a virus like COVID-19. School closures, tele-education, panic at the grocery store, worry for those we love who are vulnerable, uncertainty, and doubt all accompany this new normal we find ourselves in. And it feels difficult to orient properly to it because there are a lot of unknowns. The ironic thing is that the future is always unknown, but we are usually better at creating a sense of predictability. (If only it were as easy as creating a lesson plan!)

The onslaught of media reports, social media, and pervasive anxiety (which spreads much faster than COVID-19) makes it difficult to sift and sort all the data in order to make smart, informed decisions on the fly.

It is easy and normal to feel overwhelmed, scared, and upended. 

As an educator you have a unique opportunity to role model for your students how to stay calm during uncertain times. The first step is to know how to do that for yourself before you can do it for your children, spouse, family, and students. 

Here are some ideas to consider as the coming days and weeks unfold:

• Lead with empathy and compassion for yourself and for others.

It’s okay and normal to feel unsettled, anxious, even frightened. However, beating yourself up about the internal messages you have, like “I shouldn’t be anxious” or “there is something wrong with me because I am not sure how to respond to this” is not helpful. Notice your inner critical voice and gently redirect it with your words, as though you were soothing someone you love. We all react differently in times of stress. Find what comforts you and do it for yourself. Self care matters now more than ever.

• Become more aware of your breath.

Taking long deep belly breaths sends a signal to your nervous system that it is safe to relax. When we feel anxious or distressed, breathing becomes shallow and “chesty.” Deepening the breath (put your hand on your belly to notice your breath on an inhale and exhale) for a few minutes will help encourage the body’s natural response to calm down. If you have a daily meditation practice, use it. If you don’t, try downloading a free meditation app and start with just a few minutes, a few times per day. It is a quick and powerful reset.

• Limit your news and social media exposure.

It’s easy to find yourself in the never ending loop of cable news, social media posts, and fear mongering. Continually watching traumatic and scary news creates a trauma response in the body and mind. Make a decision to get the information you need from the experts (like the CDC.gov or WHO.int), and lay off the media. Although talking with friends and family about your fears might feel comforting, too much of that can intensify feelings of fear. Get support for your media diet by encouraging those around you to do the same. Accountability partners help!

• Remember that you can’t control everything.

Focusing on things you can control, like maintaining healthy habits, accomplishing normal daily tasks and responsibilities, as well as limiting exposure to things that you can’t control, will help to ground you in reality vs. getting swept up in the unknown. Make a list on a piece of paper of what you can control and what you cannot. Identifying these things will help reorient you to what is actually possible and what is wasted energy.

• Connect with those you love and adore.

Because one of the recommendations from the CDC is “social distancing” it might be a little too easy to isolate, which can feed fear. Social distancing does not equal social isolation. Instead, stay connected with your people via phone, Zoom, text, or FaceTime. Be mindful to keep connection time focused on positive things like creative ways to spend “social distancing” time, things you can get accomplished with a little extra time at home, new recipes, and maybe even a little Netflix binge watching.

In times of crisis, less is more. Pare down. Focus on what matters most. Nurture yourself and those you love. We are all in this, and will get through it–together.

How I Got Here. Wait. Where Am I?

I’ll be honest. I think I burned out. 

It feels like failure to say that because of ALL the messages we preach (believe) to clients, each other, and ourselves about the importance of self care. And the truth is, I did take care of myself (kinda) and after working in the trenches for so many years, doing meaningful work with people I loved and respected and learned from, I just was….done. 

My body, my psyche, my spirit, my nervous system all were sending me signals that it was time to shift out of my career as a psychotherapist. During the last year of my work, I started to turn my eyes to coaching + consulting.

For years, I had a side hustle consulting for schools and nonprofits around town doing a variety of trainings and workshops. And I loved that work. I felt a strong pull and a vision started to form, rich with possibility. I felt excited. An evolutionary shift; the rumblings beginning...

But there was a problem.

Leaving the counseling profession to become a coach felt like a betrayal: to the field, to my friends, to my clients, to my identity. I could never…. 

Coaches are hacks. The industry is unregulated. No training required. They have poor boundaries and often dive into dangerous territory with clients. You get the picture of the judgements I had about coaching. 

Yet, I wanted to do it.

So I started by dipping my toes into conversations with members of my therapist community and was met with a variety of reactions as you might well imagine. 

I started by telling some of my closest therapist friends what I was thinking and it went something like this:

ME: I have to tell you something but I can’t look you in the eye when I say it.

THEM: Okay.

ME: I am thinking of becoming a coach. (I only used the word coach - God forbid I said “LIfe Coach - I’d probably burst into flames - plus I wasn’t sure what type of coaching I wanted to do.)

THEM (various reactions listed below):

• (Laughter) Wait, are you serious? Oh, yea, I think you’d be great at that.

• Oh, I see. Well, coaches make a lot of money, don’t have liability, and don’t work as hard as we do, so yea, you should do that (sarcastic tone implied).

• NO! What? You’d still do therapy though right?

• Wouldn’t you miss being a therapist? How could you not be a therapist?

• (Without making eye-contact with me either) then whispers quietly “I wanna do that too, but don’t tell anyone”.

As I warmed up to the idea myself, I started to look at my friends and colleagues in the eyes when I said it. And I started to challenge my own judgements.  And they more I let those judgements go, the more support I received from my people. 

And I get it. Coaching IS unregulated, there ARE some dangerous people out there, coaches are NOT bound by the same limitations as we are (not giving advice, working with insurance companies etc..).AND… there are people who are not healthy and shouldn’t be  coaches or therapists, or dentists, or lawyers or teachers... but the truth is, I am not that person or that coach.

• I am an ethical person and professional. 

• I am clinically trained.

• I have a lot of knowledge and experience coupled with a huge desire to support organizations who value a culture where leaders and teams can show up as their ‘whole self’ at work in order to innovate and create together.

• I want to work collaboratively with other (outside of a therapy office) and not in isolation.

• .Not everyone needs therapy, (although everyone could benefit from it :) and if they do, then who better to identify that need and provide a referral to someone in my amazing network?

• I love connecting with women in leadership who are courageous and ready to expand and stretch and grow.

So I did it. I took the risk. And as I still mourn the loss of an identity and am re-orienting to a new one. I live in gratitude for all that being a clinician has taught and the ways it has shaped me. And now I move into different work. With different opportunities to serve and support others.

My take-a-ways (for now, more lessons to come, I am sure):

In my heart, I am a therapist til I die. 

And I am other things too. 

And when we take the risk to be present to evolving, and embrace it even, magic happens. 

If you know someone who you think would benefit from having a clinically trained coach in their corner, because they want to go deeper to become an embodied, point them in my direction. 

-bk

Cleaning the House Before the Cleaning Lady Comes

Asking for help is hard. We are filled with excuses that prevent us asking for support. Some may sound familiar to you like - It’s too expensive - I don’t have time - I should be able to do this on my own. Maybe you may feel like things “aren’t bad enough” to justify asking for help.

One of the most popular roadblocks I see is the one I call “Cleaning the House, Before the Cleaning-Lady Comes.” I have to laugh when I hear friends say, “I have to pick up the house because the cleaning-lady is coming tomorrow.” I think, why are you cleaning if you are paying a professional to clean for you? What I know is that we all feel self-conscious about our own (perceived) “mess”. We don’t want anyone else to see we want or need help-advice-a sounding board. We feel shame or fear judgement, and so we tidy up so things “don’t seem so bad” when help finally arrives. 

The same could be said for why people avoid calling a Coach. Being stuck, frustrated, discouraged or lacking confidence in an area, feels messy. And crappy. It takes courage to admit you may not have it all together, and yet in doing so you realize that you are not alone. Life is messy. Relationships, jobs, expectations, dreams are messy. Its okay to be messy. That is how we learn and grow.  

If any of this sounds familiar to you, please know that there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to “clean up” before reaching out. You may also rest assured, that you get to choose how much of you I see. I understand the courage it takes for you to show up and ask for help. You don’t have to have it all figured out. We will clean up together.